Understanding Love Languages

My wife Kim recently picked up a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Its basic premise is as follows:

There are five "Love Languages" that people respond to: Physical, Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts. When people are on the receiving end of one of these love languages their "love tank" is added to, and when they are denied one of these their "love tank" is decremented. Additionally, everyone has one favourite love language that they respond to in a far greater degree, essentially their main love language. Receiving their main love language can completely fill their love tank, and denying them their love language can deplete it. The upshot is that people are happier and more productive with full love tanks and depressed and miserable with empty or low love tanks.

The thrust of the book is that if you understand the primary love language of the people in your life, you are more capable of giving them the love they need and deciphering their actions in relation to you. For example, a parent with a child that values quality time above all else would best show their love by taking time with them and giving them full attention, while the same parent with a different child whose love language is affirmation could make extra effort to speak positively and encourage that child. (Note: this is not to say you should ignore all other love languages in favour of their primary in dealing with people.)

Also part of this book is the explanation that people usually attempt to communicate their love for others in their own primary love language, sometimes leading to confusion if others do not recognize it.

After learning about this concept and applying its ideas to our relationship, my wife and I started to understand where a significant amount of friction in our own relationship came from. Her primary love language is quality time and mine is affirmation. She felt hurt (i.e. her love tank was depleted) when I showed a desire to spend time with my friends instead of her, and no amount of my affirming my love for her was able to shake the feeling of abandonment. Conversely, anytime she had harsh words or criticisms of my actions I took greater offense than was intended because I felt that her love of me was not being affirmed, or rather that I could not feel her love for me at that time.

By talking about this and understanding what was occurring we have both been able to communicate more effectively and attempt to fill each others needs. By doing so we have fuller love tanks and are consequently happier and more productive.

(As an aside, I hate the "love tank" terminology but it works so well for explaining it.)

Outside of our marriage, I was able to apply the theory to other relationships and gain new understanding. My father's love language is Acts of Service, explaining how he showed his love for me by the things he did for me growing up that I didn't appreciate at the time. My mother-in-law is a physical love language person and feels hurt when I don't like giving hugs every time we get together.

Outside of family, I understand why my desire for feedback at work and in other endeavors has always been so important to me, and why any criticisms always put my in the defensive as I took them personally. Every time I said "Sorry I may have overreacted but I took what you said to heart" now makes perfect sense to me, especially when taking into account any insecurities I have.

Of course, one may ask is it that my love language is affirmation, or is it that my insecurities from a difficult time in high school make it appear that way? Do I seek approval and praise as part of a feeling of inferiority, or are feelings of inferiority fuelled by a love language of affirmation? I have pondered this frequently and in the past I may not have had any answers, but I am confident now to postulate that my love language is affirmation irrespective of any insecurities I have. At this time in my life I am the most confident and emotionally balanced I have ever been, yet the slightest word of praise from complete strangers can brighten my day significantly and the most minor of negative feedback can put me on the defensive immediately. (Fortunately, even before reading of love languages I learned to reign in my predilection for overreaction, at least externally. Overreacting on the internet is not the best way to make friends.)