High School

I try not to carry grudges and as a rule I've done pretty well. I can have a full hate-on for someone one month and next month be perfectly fine with them again. Live and let live I say.

There are four guys from high school I cannot bring myself to forgive no matter how I rationalize it. They were a big part of why I thought of high school as The Worst Time of My Life (TM) and a fundamental part of my personality thrives on imagining those guys as fat, balding men working in dead-end retail jobs in the pathetic mall in Brockville. The kind of mall other malls look at and go, "What the hell?! Get it away from me!"

Reflection of those times would show only a few isolated incidents over the 5 years I went to school where they actually made my life hell. For the most part I had a good time with some good friends. We did some wild things and had some great laughs. No, the reason I am holding this grudge is because I wanted so desperately to be liked by the cool kids. (My group of friends wasn't the Losers Club, but we weren't in the Popular Kids Federation either.) Not just the cool kids though, the cool girls. I had so many crushes on different girls that I suspect I was sub-consciously keeping my options open in case I had the off chance with any of them. It was pathetic.

Anyways, when the big four meanies made fun of me or picked on me, it was usually in class or in the hall where the cool girls would see and I'd be horrified and embarrassed to death. I was thin skinned growing up, still am. I just have the emotional and social tools to deal with it better now.

So those few episodes scarred me and I carry them with me even though its been over ten years since I graduated from High School. Just the thought of going back to Brockville is enough to make me cringe on the off chance I see people I know; I'm that horrified of my days there. I used to fantasize about going back to the 25 year reunion and showing up in a sports car and lots of money, but nowadays I'd be happy to never return. If my family and my wife's family didn't live back there I doubt I ever would.

When my kids are old enough to go to high school, I hope they have a better time than I did.